2005 - the worst year

I was reading back over my blog, to my post from Jan 2nd. I said that 2004 had been a sucky year and I was glad it was over. Little did I know that 2005 would be the worst year of my life. I thought it hurt when my grandmother died (the first family member to die when I was an adult), but it hurts a thousand times worse now that my brother, Richard, is gone. I wish nobody ever had to feel like this. I've lost one of only three people in the world who were there for my first words, first steps, my childhood. And when my parents are gone, nobody else will know those things. I expected to have my big brother here forever. I thought he'd be here to help take care of my parents when they're old(er).
Here's a quote from my post on Jan 2nd:
"2005 is going to be my year!! I will attend my ten year high school reunion. I will continue my weight loss from fall of 2003. I will be having pain-free sexual intercourse with my wonderful husband. I will figure out what I want to do as a career and not have just an annoying job talking with stupid stupid people about their gas bill."

I didn't go to my ten year high school reunion because instead of losing 40 lbs, I gained 20-30 back. I have not continued losing weight, obviously.

BUT...I have overcome vaginismus, yay!, with the help of my wonderful physical therapist. And I did figure out what I want to do! I want to get my Bachelor of Science in Community Health from Louisiana State University in Shreveport. It's like health education.

Unfortunately, I don't consider this to be my year. Unless it's my Year of Suck.

Here's a link to my brother's obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/news-journal/LegacySubPage2.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=15104405

Here's an article on his accident:
http://www.emsnetwork.org/artman/publish/article_18634.shtml

Richard was almost 14 yrs old when I was born. We didn't fight when I was growing up, unless you count the times when he would tickle me and kiss me while I pretended to fight him off. I didn't really know my brother very well until the last few years. I got married in 2000 and that same year, he left his unhappy marriage. For Thanksgiving of 2000, he came to Austin and spent it with me and my in-laws because my parents had gone to visit Grandma. A few times he spent the night at my apartment in Austin. I loved my brother, but we had very different personalities (except for our short tempers!). He liked attention and was constantly demanding it by doing little dances or making silly jokes. While you could never accuse my brother of being lazy - he was a hard worker, he worked full time and went to school full time to get his R.N., and he was always working - he was a bit irresponsible at times, and that irked me. A month or two before he died I had asked him if he had life insurance or a will. We discussed how important a will was, because of his new marriage in April 2005, and the animosity of his ex-wife. He expressed interest in making one and we discussed the legality of a handwritten will, but who knew he would need it so soon.

It doesn't seem real that I have to live the rest of my life without my brother. He's never going to flip me off again when I take photos of him. He's never going to pick up my Domino and call him "Shamu kitty." He's never going to come over with a new cell phone (I swear he got like 3 this last year). He's never going to show off on the lake on the kneeboard or the tube. We're never going to look at each other and smirk when Mom says something unintentionally funny. He's never going to call Dad "Mr. Safety." He's never going to call me "JB" again (he's the one who first started calling me JearBear when I was little). We're never going to sit at the table again with Mom on her laptop, me on Dad's, and Richard on his, like we did the weekend before he died. We're never going to watch his stepdaughter, Rachelle, cheer at a 4th grade football game, like we did that Saturday before he died. We'll never eat pizza together again, like we did that day. We're never going to do anything with him again and it hurts so much to know this. Why does it have to be real? Why can't this all be an awful nightmare that we are going to wake up from?
I keep trying not to wish to have him back because I keep thinking of that "Monkey's Paw" story that I read years ago. You know the one..where the old couple wishes for $200 and they get it...but as compensation for their son dying in an accident at work. Then the wife wishes for the son to be come back alive...and it's not a good thing (think Pet Sematary).
So I wish for it all not to be true, that it's a nightmare and never really happened.
Please.

My brother did return safely from New Orleans. Unfortunately, he did not return safely home after a regular shift at work on Friday morning. It's ironic that just a couple of weeks after his family worrying about his safety in an unknown environment, it was driving a motorcycle that killed him just a couple of miles from home. I've always expected this because my brother is a fast driver and likes to show off and be silly, but it's a bit unreal to be living through it right now.

Fat cat again

Ok, well back in January I wrote how Phantom needs to lose a pound or two. Oops. I took them to the vet on Saturday and umm...she's gained almost two pounds since last year. She weighs 15.44 lbs. Domino weighs 12.94, I think, either that or 13.94. He's fine, but now she needs to lose 3 or 4 lbs. She'll still be big and fluffy, but won't have the fat belly hanging that's so cute when she runs (which obviously isn't that much!). So now I've started taking the dry food up at night and putting out a can of wet food all day. They don't really touch that though. Then I put the dry food out at night. I'll try this for as long as I can, then see if she's lost weight. Poor kitty, she's going to be hungry and mad at me for a few days. Hopefully I'll have more willpower than I have in the past. But man, if I can't make myself lose weight, how can I help her??? I was supposed to lose like 40 lbs since Jan, but I gained like 25-30. LOSER!

Domino wore his garter around his neck for his trip to the vet. They thought he was really cute. And of course he is!

New Orleans rantings

Like everyone, I have a lot of opinions of the whole mess in New Orleans. For one, the mayor is really pissing me off. He's blaming everyone but himself. If there was mandatory evacuation in N.O., why didn't he utilize all the buses in the town and get everyone out? Even people who were sick...couldn't they have traveled the couple of hours to Baton Rouge? If I was sick, I would gladly suffer a couple of hours of pain or discomfort to get out of a FREAKIN HURRICANE!! And the people who could've gotten out, but wanted to stay with their homes - idiots. There are other words, but I'm trying not to be too mean right now. But it appears a lot of the people who stayed did so in hopes of looting. And no - it's not looting if they're taking food or other necessities. It's looting if they're taking TVs, guns, jewelry, money, etc. What are they doing with this merchandise? Hiding it away in their little waterholes?
And the mayor and everyone else knew that the levees would only hold a category 3 hurricane. Katrina started out as 5, hitting as only a 4 - but why didn't they plan for the levees to break? I know they were planning on more of a direct hit from the storm, but come on!! Then they were complaining that they don't receive the amount of money requested from the government to fix or improve their whole levee system. Everyone knows that Louisiana doesn't have a good reputation for handling money honestly. How many previous governors or politicians are in jail for fraud? Who wants to throw money at the state when it's just going to line the politicians' pockets? And what about all this casino money? Why isn't it used for improvements like that?

And then there are the evacuees. I'm sure there are many grateful ones, but there are too many thugs coming to our towns and causing trouble. I'm a bit scared to go out this weekend, no telling what these crazy desperate people will do. People from South Louisiana are weird anyway. I've always thought N.O. was a dirty nasty little town and now all the dirty nasty people are in MY town and others..wreaking havoc on people who are trying to help.

Maybe it's just stupid or snobby of me, but I think those people in N.O. could have gotten out. They just chose to stay, and now they're paying the price. I do think help could've gotten to them faster. But then again, who wants to help a bunch of people who are shooting at you?? But I'm thinking if Harry Connick Jr (love him) can fly his private jet and walk around town, why couldn't Bush hire a bunch of planes to fly in and rescue people? What about all these idiotic news people walking around with their freshly pressed clothes and perfect hairdos? Why aren't they handing out water and helping these people? You're know *they* are notgoing without food and water. What about cruise ships? The National Guard got the Hibernia National Bank employees out safely (they had to get out of the building on a boat, then were airlifted out).

Which brings me to another rant! Hibernia should have been better prepared. On Mon/Tues, they should've been getting their backup systems transferred somewhere else. But nooooo... they leave employees & their families in the HNB building to run the backups. And then on Wednesday when the generators run out of fuel, all the systems go down. So the Shreveport call center is screwed - they're already busy taking calls that the N.O. call center takes and now they have customers wanting balances they can't get - wondering why cards aren't working, etc. Nothing's going in, but nothing's coming out, so I'm not worried. But then, I was lucky - we're working off Tuesday's balance and Andrew's deposit went in Monday. Mine was supposed to go in on Thursday. But think of all the ppl that get paid on the 31st or 1st and were out of money on Tuesday. Oops! Ha! And in an email to CenterPoint employees who have Hibernia direct deposit (like me), the head of CenterPoint payroll said on Thursday: "In order to make some necessary physical moves, Hibernia Bank had to bring down their system yesterday. They will be back online by the end of the day today." Ok, #1 they didn't bring it down...it WENT down with the generators. #2 - how are they gonna get the systems up? No way would be it be up on Thursday. And of course that did not happen. Finally on Friday, Hibernia got smart and stopped letting calls go into the call center. They put a message on the automated system and sent most of the call center home. Andrew had to go back that evening and do some training for Baton Rouge employees who came up to help.
The Capital One deal just got pushed back from 9/1 until 9/7. Maybe they can help Hibernia plan better for disasters.

I don't normally pray, but I probably will be praying the next few days. Champion EMS out of Longview sent many of their paramedics and ambulances down to N.O. to help out. My brother left yesterday for Baton Rouge. I spoke with him an hour and a half ago and they were on their way to N.O. I think he has a bullet proof vest with him. But apparently the people are mainly shooting at cops (I'm not even going to try to understand the thought process behind THAT), not at the paramedics. I hope he comes back safely.
And you know, I thought that Marshall Law meant that the officers would take no shit from civilians. It sounds as if they're finally really practicing Marshall law. I hope to hear some interesting things from my brother each night when they return to Baton Rouge. I want to hear stories of law enforcement officers really being able to enforce the laws and protect the people who aren't shooting and looting.


Random thought:
I wonder if people are getting tired of water. They've probably never had to drink so much water in their lives. Why doesn't someone drop down some soda? Just kidding.

OK I think I'm done for now. I feel better getting it all out.

Phantom the plastic addict

Phantom is licking plastic again. She started with the plastic bag in the small trash can next to the computer. Then she went over to a plastic bag lying on the floor about ten feet away. Then she went over to another plastic bag about ten feet from that. (it's all kind of in the shape of a triangle). And yes, we like plastic grocery bags in this house. Then she went back to the first one. She likes to lick plastic. Domino does too, but I think he's just copying her.

She will lick pretty much any kind of plastic bag - grocery bag, ziploc baggie, etc.

My naughty kitties

My kitties are upset with me. The last time I took them to the vet, she said Phantom needs to lose a couple of pounds. Phantie weighs 14 lbs and Domino weighs 13 lbs. She said that Domino is just a big cat and he was fine. Phantom does have a belly that wobbles when she runs. So the past few nights I've taken up their food around 8 or 9pm and just put it back down in the morning. They're not really excited by this. Tonight they're being naughty. Phantom jumped on the washing machine, something that Domino usually does. At this very moment, Domino is pawing at the blinds on the window. Excuse me while I go squirt him with water.

Heehee! I went over to squirt him and he saw me coming. He dashed right by me as I squirted him and he jumped up into my computer chair and sat there until I picked him up. He's so silly. He was walking on the speakers and TV earlier (speakers are about four feet tall). Then he stood up and started pawing at the Simpsons poster we have hanging on the wall. He and Phantom have been running around, mostly with him chasing her, as usual.

This morning Andrew woke up before me (imagine that) and when he went into the kitchen, the kitties were standing around by their food mat. Being the dense daddy that he is, he sat down in the living room, not even thinking about them. When he went back into the kitchen, they were still standing around, patiently waiting for food. He didn't realize it until he opened the pantry and saw their food bowls in there.

The vet recommended that I put the food down for 20 minutes twice a day. I normally leave it out 24/7. I tried to do this once already. I had left it out all day, then that evening I took it up for about 30 mins to an hour, then put it back down. The cats must've gorged themselves on it because for the next few days I found throw up several times. I think Phantom must be bulimic?? When I told the vet this, she laughed hysterically.

I think I'll just stick with picking it up at night for now. Maybe this will help. If they were dogs, I could take them out for a walk to exercise them. They're not really good on leashes. They stop and sniff everything. Phantom is normally very timid in the house and Domino is the king. But outside, they're the opposites. I haven't taken them out on the leashes here in these apartments. There are dogs around here sometimes. Stupid dogs!

The neighbors behind us are making noise right now! Someone was banging on the wall, as if hanging something. It's freaking 12:30 in the morning. Hello!! I can hear their water in the shower going too. I went into the bathroom and knocked on the wall when they banged again. They haven't done it since, so maybe they got the hint. It was really loud too, that's the only reason I knocked on the wall. If it was during the day I wouldn't care either. It's just rude to do that in the middle of the night. Not that it would wake up Andrew. Nothing wakes that twerp up.

I used to be like that. Then I got married. For some reason, now I wake up to pee at least once during the night. And I wake up pretty easily too. I used to NEVER wake up, not even to pee. Andrew snored for awhile too, so I had to wear earplugs. When he lost weight, he stopped snoring as much. But he does do this annoying thing. When he's in some certain sleep cycle, his body jerks. Usually it's his leg or his arm. And it happens every 25-30 seconds. I will just be drifting off and *JERK*. It's like when you're falling asleep and you kick your leg, as if you're going to fall. Except he keeps doing it. Weirdo! My cute loveable sweet weirdo.

lalalalala Time to run! I'm such a dork. Tonight is my last night to be able to stay up late. On Tuesday I have to go to work, waaaaah. I do have to wake up in less than 8 hours to go to my physical therapy appointment. I should go sleepies soon, but you know me. I wonder if one would call me a wanker?? I like that word. Thanks to Jessie for using it!

Phantom just came over and said "meow!" Ha - yesterday her daddy clipped her toenails (at my request) while I hid in the bathroom (I hate it, I'm so afraid he's going to make them bleed like that one time with Domino). When I came out, she was standing at the door and said "Mrroww rowww!" at me, like she was telling on her daddy. Isn't she cute???

ta ta

Too stupid for my own good

What a dope I am. It's now 3:52am and I am finally going off to sleep. I had to stop to talk to a friend who logged onto Yahoo Messenger. Well, he's really the husband of my mom's friend, Joan. They've known my parents since before I was born. We talked about what a sucky year this has been for us all. His wife started out on January 1, 2004 with her 50-something yr old brother dying. In June, my 92 year old grandmother died. Dec 13th, my mom had to put her 15 yr old cat to sleep. Then a couple of days later, Joan's father-in-law died. And finally, a couple of days after that, while going to see her newly widowed mother-in-law, Joan's dog, Ito, fell out of the window of their van and died. Thank God that 2004 is over.

One good thing that happened in 2004 is that I started going to physical therapy for my vaginismus and success is in the near future.

2005 is going to be my year!! I will attend my ten year high school reunion. I will continue my weight loss from fall of 2003. I will be having pain-free sexual intercourse with my wonderful husband. I will figure out what I want to do as a career and not have just an annoying job talking with stupid stupid people about their gas bill.

"Why's my bill so high?" Well, stupid - it got cold this last month and you turned on your heat. Sure, it's 65 degrees outside now, but three weeks ago it was 22 degrees and there was snow on the ground. Yes, I know you leave your thermostat on the same setting (70 degrees...yeah RIGHT more like 80 degrees) all day, but the colder it gets outside, the more often your heater has to come on to keep your house 80 degrees.

"I've never had a bill this high!" Well, moron - you called and said the same thing last year when you got your $200 December bill. This year your bill is only $175, what the hell are you complaining about, you should be thanking us for a lower bill?

"I never see them read my meter." Well, idiot - do you just sit and stare out your window, watching for the meter reader all day every day? You have to get up and go pee sometime. The meter reader waits for you to abandon your post at the window, sneaks up real quick to your meter, scribbles down just any old number he feels like, then races back to his truck.

"My bill says 'do not pay', how much do I owe?" Well. *cry*

"I haven't gotten a bill in four months. It's not my fault that I got disconnected." Well, Einstein - if you don't call us to say "Hey, where's my bill?" we don't know that you didn't get it! We just assumed you're like every other deadbeat customer out there and didn't want to pay your bill.

"Why haven't you gotten my payment yet? I mailed it yesterday." or "It's not my fault you got the payment late, I mailed it two weeks before the due date." Well, dumbass - it takes longer than one day for your payment to get from Arkansas to Houston, TX. And we're not the friggin' post office - it's not our fault either they took two weeks to deliver your check and NO I'm not reversing your late fee, because you really mailed it the day before the due date, not two weeks before.

I cannot express to you the stupidity of my customers. The above are just a few examples of the kinds of calls I get every freakin' day.

And now, at 4:12am, I am toddling off to bed. Now for a few hours of happy sleep, next to my warm and snuggly husband, with my teddy bear under my arm and blankie under my head. And don't forget my beautiful Phantom kitty beside me and handsome Domino kitty at my feet.

Meow!

Introducion

Hola, mi nombre es Jeri. Hablo un poquito de espanol. Yo quiero aprender hablar espanol antes de "having" los ninos. Es posible que nunca "will I have" los ninos...haha. Mi suegra would not like to hear that!

OK, enough of my embarrassingly child-like Spanglish. My name is Jeri and I am Spanish-impaired.

Wednesday I am having my gallbladder removed. I have never had surgery before. I've only had an IV once, two weeks ago when I had an endoscopy. I don't mind needles at all and I love blood, so I'm not scared of the surgery, it will be very simple and over quickly. But today I have been thinking back to when my husband came out of the recovery room from a simple surgery he had. He was so pitiful and I was scared for him. He felt nauseous and his throat was dry and sore. He was confused and cried when the doctor told him that he couldn't go back to work for a week. It broke my heart to see the tears roll down his cheeks. I don't think he was all there yet, because normally he doesn't cry at anything (except for when my vaginismus has caused me to cry). I don't want to cause my husband or my parents to feel scared for me. I don't want to be weak and pitiful.

On one hand, I would love to be out of work for two or three weeks...I love doing nothing. But on the other hand, I have exhausted my 40 hours of sick leave at 100% pay. I am now reduced to 66 2/3% pay. That is stinky.

I am pretty sure I will only be out for a week. It's such a routine surgery nowadays. My wonderful mother in law (suegra) has offered to come stay with me for a week. I will be spoiled for that week with both my mom and my mom in law taking care of me. I love my mother in law and am excited to have her here! I think she is eager to have a vacation from the other children (she has five in total - three boys and two girls - with three in the same town - and all over 23 yrs old) and grandchildren. She is always doing things for them and needs some time away! I just hope she doesn't get too bored here...though she can always go to the boats to gamble, something she loves to do whenever she visits.

Some people are so stupid. Some guys just set off a whole bunch of firecrackers. It's 2am and I guess they think they're funny. I ran to the window and saw two guys walk out of the courtyard between some nearby bldgs. Then they joined another guy coming from the other direction. I guess they live in the apartments here somewhere. I went outside and you can really smell the firecrackers.

Estoy cansada. Time to go mimis.
Oh, nice. There go the firecrackers again. It takes a lot of firecrackers to make noise for a full 45-60 seconds. They're so lame. It's now 2:25am and I shall go sleepies.